A pretty common conversation in my therapy office when I’m working with women trauma survivors goes something like this:
“I really want to use the f-word, but I don’t know if that’s ok in here.”
“Go for it.”
“For 10 fucking years he…”
“I am so very sorry. That is a lot of fucking years to experience such fucking shit. You deserve so much better.”
And we both let out a deep sigh.
A well-timed curse word is not only appropriate, but also very healing. And those of us with chronic illness experience more than our fair share of those appropriate moments.
Growing up in conservative Christian circles, I was taught that swearing was never ok. And it was especially not ok for women and girls. We had to be “ladylike” at all times – which really meant always smile, always be polite, always use good manners, and for goodness sakes don’t express any sort of “negative” feelings. Swearing obviously didn’t fit into this 1950s-like scenario. So, I learned to just keep smiling, always forgive and move on, and most definitely to never curse. I now throw up in my mouth a little every time I hear a man refer to women as “ladies.”
And I’m here to tell you today, that what I was taught was all a big load of shit. Humans have feelings. Humans get hurt. Humans feel pain. And in my late 30s I finally discovered what I wish I had known sooner – that a well-timed F-bomb is a very good thing. And so very empowering – especially for a person who lived her whole life battling in and against places that sought to stifle my power.
There has actually been research to support this. For one it helps with pain management. And those of us with chronic illness have a ton of pain. It also releases stress, and in my therapy office I have seen it be a very effective emotional release.
As a chronic illness warrior, I experience a ridiculous amount of stressful situations every single day, and I’m sure all of you warriors do too. Ableism is rampant. Most places, even the ADA compliant ones, are at least partially inaccessible. There are never enough handicapped parking spaces. All my medical treatments are expensive and time-consuming. Parenting with chronic pain and mobility issues is really, really hard. We’re still in a never-ending pandemic, and my daily fatigue is off the charts.
Most of the time I just keep smiling, and while others admire this about me (and this strategy does have its time and place), it does nothing to relieve the stress that I feel. But, when I get the chance to say something like; “Why the fuck did this driver park their shitty truck right in the middle of the accessible curb?” it feels SO GOOD. I promise. It really does. Try it – at the appropriate time of course. The next time you stub your already painful toes, just let yourself say “Fuck!” It’s liberating. It’s empowering. And it also effectively reduces pain.
Readers – Tell me about your well-timed cursing experience in the comments. We’re all in this together. No shame. No judgement here.