What do I do in the throes of a really bad autoimmune flare?…
I cry. Full stop. I cry and cry and cry a lot. Recently I cried so much I broke a blood vessel in my eye. And then of course because my eye was now bright red, I worried that I had developed uveitis (commonly associated with several of my autoimmune diseases). Which only led to more crying. I didn’t though. Thank goodness. And my eye has now almost gone back to normal. That was a fun 2 weeks of my little sweet observant and compassionate clients asking me what I had done to my eye and having to think of answers that wouldn’t discourage them from crying.
To be clear: I’m not recommending crying as the only option for coping with hard times. When you find yourself often on the verge of tears, I would recommend seeking professional help. I’m a therapist, and I also have my own therapist.
I’m simply saying that crying is totally acceptable. For everyone. Grownups. Kids. Teens. Parents. Grandparents. Etc. EVERYONE. It is hard – SO VERY HARD – to see the ones we love cry. Even I often find myself wanting to tell my children to stop crying. But, when I think about it, that’s really for my benefit and not theirs. (I’m not talking about tantrum screaming crying, but real genuine tears because they are sad or scared or worried or any other such reason crying.)
Anyways… back to chronic illness and crying. Because I’m a helper, I often find myself helping others cope with my illnesses sometimes to my own detriment. I tell people I’m fine when I’m not. I downplay my symptoms and pain to doctors because I want them to know that they’re helping me and to feel good about that. I sometimes even try to go without my mobility aids when they could be helpful for me. I put on a smile when I’m very unhappy and very much in pain. Sometimes this can actually be healthy. But many times not so much.
Most chronic illness people probably know exactly what I’m talking about. We’re very good at covering up our pain. We’re in pain all the time. And life goes on. And sometimes people honestly really don’t care how we’re feeling. We become really good at pushing through and hiding our pain. Even from those who love us and care for us. And so it’s hard for others to really understand how terrible we’re feeling.
Crying can alert others – those who care about us – to how terrible we’re feeling. Maybe our current flare is worse than others? Maybe we’re really struggling with our feelings? Maybe we’re in the throes of grieving all the losses that come with chronic illness (more on that in a later blog entry)? Maybe someone or something just really hurt our feelings? Or maybe everything simply just hit us in that moment? Whatever the reason is, we could use some support from those who love and care about us.
Even crying at doctor’s appointments can be helpful when we have a caring and compassionate physician who believes us and validates us (more on doctor experiences later too). I cried in my pain management physician’s office this past week when my pain medication again was messed up by the pharmacy (definitely more on that struggle later). And it allowed my doctor and his staff to truly see how much I was struggling and offer me the additional help I needed.
Don’t be afraid of feelings – even the hard ones. Cry if you need to. Hopefully not so hard that you break a blood vessel. Lol. But just everything is hard right now and I need more support crying. For as long as you need to. If you get the support from your loved ones – which sadly many don’t – you might even feel better after you’ve stopped and calmed down some.
Chronic illness is hard. SO VERY HARD. And we all need to cry sometimes. Or a lot of times. And if you need more support, please find a professional who can help you. There are many of us who love to support and provide people like you with safe places.